Of all the issues that impact relationships, few are as devastating as affairs.   The loss of trust the betrayed partner feels is as if their whole world has turned upside down.  The partner they thought they could count on seems to be a completely different person.   The partner’s character is now in question, the future is uncertain, and most betrayed partners are not sure if they even want to stay together.

Never intended to cheat

Most people do not plan to have an affair or even seek it out.  Another person comes along who is friendly, interested, and attentive, and being around them can feel like a drug high.  It can happen slowly and before they realize it, they are involved beyond what is appropriate.  Sometimes the involvement is merely flirtatious; sometimes this progresses to sex and intimacy.  At some point, the betrayer has a sense that this behavior isn’t right, but the ‘drug’ of an affair can seriously cloud judgment and make one temporarily put their integrity on hold.

I don’t really want a divorce!

Typically, the partner who had the affair does not want their primary relationship to end.  With the exception of partners who cheat repeatedly, most  love their partners and want to stay with them.  They are filled with remorse and guilt, and in many cases, aren’t even sure why the affair happened.

Warning signs

Although there can be many reasons for an affair, there are some common warning signs that signal trouble ahead.  One risk factor is a couple who are drifting apart emotionally, spending less time together, and are just going through the motions of being a couple.  They may not be arguing a lot, but neither are they looking forward to seeing each other at the end of the day, or having fun together very often.

Conflict may not be obvious and, in fact, couples that rarely disagree are not necessarily better off.  Built-up hurts or resentments that never get resolved  or discussed can work to erode closeness even when there is little overt fighting.  Often there are problems with sexual intimacy; either less satisfying sex, or no sex at all.

Sometimes there is a precipitating factor.   A new baby, money worries, family issues, job problems can all create stresses that result in distancing.  These things can happen to any of us, but the couple who doesn’t seem to notice that the relationship is slowly deteriorating and lack the skills to tackle this are at big risk for relationship problems, including affairs.

Affairs usually come to light

The partner having the affair may believe that it will never come to light.  They may plan to end it on a daily basis, but never quite do so.  In my experience, almost all affairs are found out eventually, and with more destructive effects than if they purposely ended the affair and confessed.

With the introduction of modern technology, an affair is hard to keep secret, and a not surprising number of affairs are revealed by cell phone messages, text messages, and emails.  The betrayer who wishes to keep the affair a secret seems to have a surprising lack of common sense about being caught.  Many would argue that a part of them wants to be caught.

The discovery leads to a major crisis

When the affair is first discovered, a huge crisis ensues.  Often the first response to the question, “Are you having an affair?” is denial.  This period of dishonesty is a hasty attempt to cover up the inevitable disclosure and adds more destructiveness than just owning up to the affair.  The attempted cover-up that go with the initial discovery only serves to put in doubt any acknowledgements made.

The value of seeking help.

Here is one place that a therapist experienced in working with couples and affairs can be invaluable.  Few couples are prepared to tackle this on their own.  Rocked by the impact of the disclosure, the betrayed partner is seriously traumatized and the betrayer is left trying to stabilize the situation.  Many do not disclose the news to anyone else.  They are embarrassed, ashamed, and don’t want their relationship marred by the affair in the eyes of friends and family. Couples have no one to talk about it but each other and they are often barely speaking.

Having a skilled third party such as a marriage or couples counselor to consult with and receive guidance on how best to proceed can feel relieving and supportive.  This may be the biggest crisis a relationship ever endures.  Look for a couple therapist with lots of experience working with couples and affairs.

Can this relationship be saved?  A crucial factor

One of the first decisions to be made is whether to stay in the relationship and begin to heal.  As mentioned, often the betrayer does want the relationship to continue; it’s the betrayed partner who isn’t sure if they can ever get past the sense of betrayal.

Here is where its important that the betrayer  take full responsibility for their wrongdoing, not minimizing or blaming the other partner for ‘causing’ the affair to happen.  This is not to say that they didn’t both participate in allowing the conditions that made an affair more likely, but in no case is the betrayed partner responsible for the betrayer’s poor judgment on their choice of how to cope.

If the betrayer takes full responsibility for their behavior and is willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damages, then the prognosis is much more positive.

Full disclosure is essential

It is at this point that I encourage the betrayer to disclose the full extent of the affair.  Omitting some key information in an effort to avoid hurting the betrayed partner never pays off.  Details have a way of coming to the surface eventually, and when the betrayed partner finds out that they are still being lied to or information is still being withheld, it is usually a major setback.

A barrage of questions and accusations

The initial efforts to heal the relationship often include an inexhaustible barrage of questions, accusations and tears.  While this is hard on the one who had the affair, it is essential to be willing to tolerate it for a while to begin to dispel the fear that there is no more to be learned.  Here is where a therapist who is experienced in working with affairs can help guide the couple toward healthier communication about the affair and eventually an understanding of why this happened and subsequent healing.

Goal:  a healthier relationship than it was before

It is not enough to just put the relationship back together.  The couple must learn what went wrong, what each of their parts in the distancing of the relationship were, and the skills and tools to tackle whatever comes up between them, both personally and as a couple.

A good relationship is not an accident, and sadly, it does not often happen without conscious efforts on both parts.  Since most of us did not learn enough  about how to have a healthy relationship and most did not have wonderful role models, it is not too surprising that we are caught off guard when things go wrong.  But it is certainly a learnable skill, providing you have a good teacher.

Let us help you!  We have extensive experience with Affairs and Infidelity.

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THE COUPLE CENTER – Therapists who love working with couples!

Call and speak to one of our therapists now:

Northern Calif/Bay Area  – Call 510 277-3111

Southern Calif/LA Area – Call 818 995-0206

Or, send us an email to:   barbara@couplecenter.com

Surprisingly many couples don’t really work very hard at making their relationships better. If they were growing a new business they’d likely be thinking, planning and working on it constantly. What if even half of the effort people put into a new business or project, were applied to improving their relationships? Assuming they knew what efforts to make, they’d be almost certain to see some real improvements!
FOCUS (#4 of St. John’s eight keys to success) is paying more attention to something you often take for granted. Really think about it.  Spend some time thinking about how to improve it.

Brainstorm (IDEAS, #7) about what might make it more satisfying.  Get creative.  Brainstorm together with your partner.  Think outside the box.

PUSH YOURSELF (#5) it may be hard to change, but work at it anyway! Always wanted to run a marathon but knew you’d need to get in better shape?  Taking the first step is crucial.  Get up off the couch!

GET GOOD AT IT (#3) Practice, practice, practice. We all know that practice yields results.  What results can you achieve in your relationship?
One of the ways in which THE COUPLE CENTER works with couples, is to get them to take a more proactive stance in their relationships, to follow through with what they learn in our sessions and apply it during the week.  We provide the ‘know-how’; you provide the application. You end up with a more successful relationship.  What we notice is, the harder  a couples tries to make their relationship better, the better it usually gets!  If they get stuck, we can help them get unstuck and move toward results.

Blaming each other for everything only leads to more conflict and less connection in relationships. When conversations have become predictably negative and our partner seems to be avoiding talking, we are left feeling hurt, alone and very frustrated. Unresolved conflicts can stack up in the background only to resurface days later in a flash. Soon tension fills our relationship and we may wonder if we will ever feel close again. Does this sound like your relationship?

3 TIPS FOR RECONNECTING

o    Own the possibility that you could be partially responsible.  Communicate this to your partner.  Don’t communicate blame even if you think your partner is a bigger part of the problem.
o    Ask for your partner’s honest feedback about how you could do better. “I would really like us to have more productive conversations and I’m willing to see how I could do a better job of improving my end of it.  What do I do that frustrates you when we talk?”
o    Really listen to what your partner says and agree to try to improve.  For example, if they accuse you of going “on and on” and not sticking to the point, your response might be, “OK, I will work on having shorter conversations and try to stick to just one topic.  Will that help?”

“Why do I want to invite their criticism?” you might ask.

This objection is a common one when you are already feeling hurt by your partner’s silence. After working with many hundreds of couples, I find that when one person takes some responsibility without blaming, it increases the likelihood that the other partner will take a little responsibility too. Starting with a different attitude can make a world of difference.

Mark and Janet (fictional clients who could be considered typical) were married with two small children.  Their communication was less and less frequent and more and more often filled with conflict.  Mark seemed easily frustrated when Janet tried to talk to him and would end their conversation by turning on the TV and ignoring her.

Janet approached Mark one evening as they were getting ready for bed.  She acknowledged her part in their communication problems and asked if he would think about what she did that frustrated him and let her know the next evening after the kids were in bed.  Although he was skeptical that she really wanted his honest feedback, he decided to give her a response the next night.  While it was hard for Janet to hear some of his comments, she promised to work on the things that bothered him. She even thanked him for his feedback. Eventually she noticed that he was trying to be more patient and listen to her more.

In summary, when we approach a relationship problem by owning our part in it first, our partner is more likely to do the same.  Asking what is not working for them shows our willingness to consider their feelings.  Breaking the cycle of blaming each other can be a powerful start toward better communication.

Give these tips a try before giving up on better communication in your relationship.  If you need help in getting your partner to work with you on improving communication, sometimes a professional 3rd party can help implement and support some positive change.

© 2009, The Couple Center

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Topics like …
Do we have the same values about health and fitness?
Will we celebrate all birthdays and holidays with extended family?
How will we share housework? Childcare?
What will our standard of ‘tidiness’ be?
What amount of our incomes will we save vs. spend?
What constitute an affair?
How much debt is OK?

These are but a small sample of the topics that couples often think they know their partner’s feelings about, but unless they have actually discussed them and come to some agreements or compromises, these topics can arise years later and create a surprising amount of conflict.

Peter and Jessica
Peter and Jessica had been married for 6 years. The early years of their relationship had been fun and satisfying as they settled into their apartment, pursued their respective careers, and acquired furnishings and savings. They were enjoying the somewhat carefree life of a two income, upwardly mobile young couple. Life was good.

Most of their friends had been single when Peter and Jessica married; now many of them were getting married as well. Peter still had a few single buddies who liked to go out several times a week after work for some beers and pool. They often asked Peter to join them.

At first, Jessica was supportive of Peter seeing his single friends, but soon the couple of beers turned to an entire evening of drinking and on more than one occasion, Peter came home intoxicated. After one such evening, he slept in on Saturday morning until noon. Jessica was disappointed that he was too tired to come to the birthday party her sister was giving for her two year old. Usually Peter would attend these family functions with Jessica. He enjoyed seeing her family, although lately there seemed to be a lot of family functions, and Peter would have preferred to see them less often. Jessica often committed them to these get-togethers without asking him first.

How could this couple have come to an agreement about their involvement with extended family? What understanding do they have with regard to making commitments for each other? What were the parameters they placed on their use of alcohol? What was their shared sense of ‘problem drinking’?

Nancy and Todd
This couple had been together 8 years; they had four children (two each from previous marriages) and a busy blended family. When it came to making plans for the summer
vacation, Nancy learned that Todd wanted to use his time off for some construction on their garage. He was hoping to build a home-office for his new side-business in sales. Nancy was hoping to book a cruise for she and Todd while their children were each staying with their non-custodial parents for a few weeks. She really wanted some time for their couple relationship and was feeling hurt that Todd wanted to work on the garage project instead. How could this couple have negotiated a balance between separate time and together time? Did they ever talk about how they’d like to spend vacation time? Do they have an agreement about taking vacations together and separately?

Carlos and Katie
Katie’s new job required her to travel on business for 3-5 days each month. On these trips there were dinners with clients and social functions she was expected to attend. When Carlos would call her each evening, he found she was more frequently not in her room at 9:30 pm, their agreed upon time to catch up with each other. Sometimes when they finally did reach each other, she was too tired to talk much and Carlos felt somewhat resentful that she was not sticking to their agreement to talk each evening. When she mentioned Samuel, the client she was hoping to interest in their new product, Carlos found himself feeling jealous and irritated. Katie insisted he was just a client and Carlos had no reason to feel jealous. Should this couple have discussed appropriate vs. inappropriate time alone with business associates? . Does this couple have a shared view of what constitutes an affair?

Problem Prevention
In each case above, these couples could have reduced the potential for conflict by thoroughly discussing the values these scenarios represented at the beginning of their commitment to the relationship. While couples cannot foresee every possible future conflict that may arise, when they have discussed many topics beforehand and arrived at how they would handle differences, they are much better able to revisit these topics productively later.

At THE COUPLE CENTER, we typically introduce a list of topics covering a range of possible scenarios couples may encounter in their future together. These discussions often bring to light potential trouble spots that can be explored and agreements made. Of course, we cannot anticipate all future conflicts, but leading couples through this exercise, helps them develop skills for raising, addressing and problem solving issues they will encounter later. These skills are extremely helpful not only in their relationship, but in their workplaces, and eventually as co-parents.

We wish every couple prepared themselves for a lasting relationship! Ask us about our pre-marital approach. And what to do if you’re already married and have never discussed many of these topics.

Barbara Swenson, Ph.D.
Director
The Couple Center

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I am frequently struck with sadness when I meet a couple whose relationship is dangling by a slowly fraying thread.  Typically this couple has been together for some time, often many years, while wounds and resentments have stacked up so high in one corner of their relationship that at least one of them seems to have already  ‘checked out’.

This partner appears distant, guarded and does not express much optimism that couple therapy can be of any help.  The other partner seems more hopeful and desperately wants the other not to give up. Since it takes two to heal a relationship, the therapist’s  job becomes that of determining whether the reluctant partner really is “done”,  or, if their distant, pessimistic stance is the way they are protecting themselves from further hurt and rejection.  This is not a question the therapist can pose early in a first session.   Each partner must begin to experience the therapist as fair, able to see both sides, and able to communicate some understanding of each of their points of view.

I have found the best way to determine whether ‘done’ is really “Done with a capital D,” might be a questions like… “So, do you think you’re just done; that you feel there is just not enough positive here for you to be willing to invest any more emotional energy in this relationship?  Or is it more like … it’s very hard for you to imagine things feeling good again ,  but if by some miracle it could, you would cautiously welcome that?”  In my experience, the reluctant partner of considerably more than half of these ‘fragile couples’ admit to feeling the latter.

It helps to explain how feelings we interpret as ‘I’ve stopped caring’ can really mean, ‘it’s too painful to care!’  or, ‘I care a lot, but I don’t think this person can ever be someone I can trust.’   Much like after not getting a promotion you really wanted you were to tell yourself,   “I didn’t really want that job anyway; it looked like a lot of work.”

If you aren’t sure whether you’re done with your relationship or whether you’re feeling too fragile to allow yourself to care and risk being hurt some more, be sure to find a therapist who can both support you in staying long enough to see if the relationship really can be healed and can also help you and your partner reduce the destructive, hurtful ways of communicating that have made the relationship feel so unsafe.  Reducing these destructive dialogues can open up space for connection.

If you’re really done, chances are you know it already. (Clearly, if you’re in an abusive, dangerous relationship that has few positive characteristics and a partner who takes no responsibility for any of the problems, gather some support to help you make the transition and leave.)  But if you’re on the fence, you owe it to yourself to determine whether your pull toward leaving is largely self-protective.  If you miss the positive times, have a partner who is taking some responsibility, and you’ve got a lot invested in the relationship (kids, in particular)  you just might be able to create something even better than you ever had.  Don’t always believe everything you feel.